THE TRUTH ABOUT RAPE CULTURE: A detailed exposé on the toxic realities of rape culture in Nigeria and how to combat it.

What is rape culture? First of all, what is rape and why would it even have a “culture” in the first place?

Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without that person's consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority, or against a person who is incapable of giving valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, has an intellectual disability or is below the legal age of consent. The term rape is sometimes used interchangeably with the term sexual assault (source: Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

Culture is what people generally consider as the norm and the way certain things are done, interpreted or handled amongst them. Basically, culture is what people see as “okay”.

So as an entirety, rape culture are the things that people see as “okay” about rape.

I laughed in sadness as I typed that.

A tribe has its culture. A workplace has its culture. Even a race like the Black people, Hispanics, Asians have their culture. So how would something as vile as rape have *finger quotes* “a culture”?

Well that’s the first thing I want you to realize while you read this. Don’t question it because it is a fact. “Rape Culture” is a thing that is very much in existence. And it is indeed very much alive in every single part of the world. No matter how high you think the “moral standards” are in a place, or you may even think “it’s impossible for a girl or boy or man or woman to get raped in a society/place like that”. Trust me, it IS possible and rape culture exists in that place no matter the esteemed heights of morality there.

The degrees may differ, but that doesn’t make the existence of this horrible culture any less dangerous. And you’re definitely wondering, what are the elements of this “rape culture”? Well you may know some already, but you’d be very surprised that even the littlest things that have always seemed normal to you, are a very big part of it.

First of all, the “Rules” of it:

• “Don’t wear that”. You’re too exposed. Your legs are showing too much. Legs:-

Show me where that shows any invitation to have sex?

 

• “Don’t let your bra straps show”. Can’t count how many times I’ve been told this, and to think of the fuss about something that seems as insignificant as underwear straps? But now, I realize what the essence of this was, because “e really get why”.

 

• “Don’t be out at night”. So a woman shouldn’t deal with an emergency if it’s night time? So a woman should be stuck outside of her house, unable to return to her home safely because it’s night? So a woman shouldn’t have a night job? So a woman shouldn’t be able to meet her friends for drinks at night? So a woman can’t party at night? So a woman shouldn’t live at night?

 

• “Don’t walk alone, especially at night”. Yes, crime rate goes up at night. It’s a given that you might get mugged, kidnapped, etc, but I bet you more than half of the time, a person’s biggest concern when they say this to you if you're a woman or a girl is that you could get raped.

 

• “Don’t be friends with her, she’s a slut”. But she’s a human being too. Yes, she can rock a mini-skirt better than you. Yes, she’s had her fair share of boyfriends. Yes, she’s a party girl, she knows how to have a good time. So? Have you looked into her heart and found evil there that gives you the right to treat her like a disease? Society addresses people the way they are dressed, but if each person would just separate themselves from that groupthink and really contemplate how they feel about what other people wear, a lot of people would discover that they don’t really care. They’ve just been conditioned to think that one thing is “decent” and anything you wear outside that, you’re a “hoe”. (P.S. The same way y'all like to say "no one is ugly", "looks don't matter, it's what's on the inside that counts", keep that same energy when you're having opinions about someone else's dressing)

 

• Then we have that real disease called “Toxic masculinity”. That disease that would make a man see nothing wrong with a woman having to follow all the rules above, just because she’s afraid of what he or his fellow men may do to her. The same disease that would make a man believe that he is “entitled” to a woman’s body and so he sees nothing evil about raping her. For some men, that is “okay”, and that just makes the lives of females in Nigeria nothing but a journey of survival against getting raped. If all of this doesn’t prove the toxicity of rape culture to you yet, then keep reading.

The second aspect of rape culture- those places you thought were exempt to the list of places where a person could get raped? Or those things you never imagined could promote rape? Think again.

•  In a marriage. Question: Can a man “rape” his wife? Yes, indeed, a man can rape his wife. Can a woman “rape” her husband? Yes she can, and that isn’t even a joke at all. These are such sad truths that sully the sanctity and beauty of marriage, but they are truths all the same. Sex without consent equals rape. If you coerce or force a woman or a man to have sex with you, even if he or she is your husband or wife, it’s rape. If you emotionally manipulate a person to have sex with you, regardless of their relationship with you- spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever, it’s rape.     
  But what do the unprogressive laws of our land say? “Sexual intercourse by a man with his wife is not rape”, regardless of the presence or absence of consent. They laws might as well go ahead to say “it’s okay for a man to rape his wife or vice versa” since it’s already fueling rape culture by denying the plain fact that rape exists in marriages.

• A same-sex school. If you send your child to a same-sex institution to “protect them”, don’t completely put it out of your mind that they can still be targets of sexual assault. The school or institution still needs to take all the necessary precautions against such occurrences, the same way they would if it were a mixed school. I attended an all-girls Catholic secondary school for 6 years straight so I can truly endorse this.

 

• Music: as sad as it is for me to say this, because I am a HUGE lover of music, a lot of music today objectifies women and that just makes it all the more difficult to combat rape culture because we have these lyrics playing in our ears all the time that make it sound “okay” to treat women wrongly.

 

• The church. If you haven’t heard the story of Uwaila Vera Omozuwa, you’re in for a shock when you eventually do. And this is just a story of such a heart-breaking incident happening on church grounds. What about the incidents when religious leaders, the ones that we set on holy pedestals, are the perpetrators of these crimes?

 

• Even in places where the traditional dressing is a 100% “decent” as pertains to societal standards, you still hear of rape cases.

 

• Even in places where the occupation is sex. Amongst the commercial sex workers that society looks down on so much but still highly patronize, some men and women still get forced to have sex when they are unwilling or incapable of giving valid consent. A crass person would say, “Isn’t that their job?” Honey, there was no consent. And without that, the act still 100% classifies as rape.

 

Finally, the elephant in the room. Why is this a conversation now? The topic especially being “Stop Raping Women”, why is the female gender taking preeminence all of a sudden in something that happens to people in general regardless of their gender?

To answer that, we won’t look at the statistics for now, even though it is statistically proven that women are more susceptible to rape. But that by no means goes to say that men getting raped is any less important of an issue. The real answer to the question “Why are all the women shouting about rape now?”- as someone nicely put it- is another question. Why won’t we shout about it when it is women, girls, future great women like us, Uwa, Jennifer, Barakat, a lot of other survivors, who have been raped, and not just raped, but also killed just recently?

In an Instagram post by music sensation Billie Eilish addressing the headlining topic of racism with regards to the "Black Lives Matter" movement that has gained more traction ever since the gruesome murder of George Floyd (may his soul rest in peace), she said:

This totally applies in this situation too. All lives DO matter. All rape survivors DO matter. All possible rape victims DO matter (which is EVERYONE, because yes, it could happen to you). But right now, women are on fire! Women have just been raped! Women have just been killed!!!

Ultimately, the reality that this country and even the world at large has never been safe for women is not a new reality. We don’t need your safety precautions. Don’t give us your “walk in pairs”, or your “avoid being out late at night” any longer. We know these things. We practice them the best we can. But the reason why we’re having this conversation now is that if you think about it, why do women have to walk on eggshells in a world where a man can- quote, unquote- go out looking cute as hell with his left butt cheek hanging out and nothing happens to him? Is a person’s biological makeup what should give them “permission” to be able to move around safely at any time?

If you’re a man or a boy, say this in your head: “The fact that I possess male genitalia means that it is okay for me to walk around at night”. If you’re a woman or a girl, say this in your head: “The fact that I possess female genitalia means that it is not okay for me to walk around at night”. If that doesn’t make any sense to you, then yes, you need to join in this conversation.

 

So you ask, what can I do to help end rape culture in Nigeria, and maybe even farther than that? Well I have a list:

• Don’t wait for it to happen to someone you know, someone you love.

 

• If you have a friend, a family member, someone close to you, someone you know with the wrong set of beliefs as pertains to rape culture, set them straight. Have that daring conversation today.

 

• You’re a son of a Senator, daughter of a Lawmaker, a child or relation of any type of Leader in your country, discuss this with your family at dinner, during family time, whenever. Put it in their minds that more progressive, stronger, and more stringent legislation needs to be implemented so that people will be scared to even think the word “rape” when they see another human being. Let God use you to strike the idea in the minds of our leaders that change is needed in this country. (For ideas on what to discuss, see item 15 about The Laws stance on rape below)

 

• If you are a man or a boy or a male in general, please be ashamed. The truth is that women are scared of you. Is that something to be proud of? That a woman will be alone on the road and then see you and your male friends approaching and immediately begin to quake with fear? Are you okay with the fact that your gender collectively instills fear in girls and women, sometimes on sight? If not, then I am holding you accountable today. When you see your friend being crass to a woman, set him straight. When you hear someone objectify women, school them- shock them with the fact that continuing that sort of talk will breed them into a rapist someday. When you see a woman in a distressful situation involving another boy or another man, assist her. Be a gentleman always. Restore our faith in you.

 

• If you are of the “Not all men” mentality, the above is especially for you! “Not all men are rapists”; “Not all men objectify women”; “Not all men are paedophiles or lecherous lecturers or misogynists or anti-feminism”. But you have friends or you know someone or you’ve seen or heard about someone that are these things or has done these things. If you do nothing about it, I’ll let you know now that you’re just as bad as the criminal themselves, maybe even worse. And yes, I said what I said. So stop that “Not all men” way of thinking. Dead it. Enough is enough. If I went around shouting “Not all women rape men”, you’d feel nice and chill about it, wouldn’t you?

 

• As much as we talk about “Toxic Masculinity”, there is something called “Healthy Masculinity” and it’s something every man needs to learn. Talkspace defines Healthy Masculinity as “being honest with oneself about your own feelings, needs and desires. It also means treating all others with the kindness and respect that you deserve. Healthy masculinity means not using your size, strength, or power to get what you want from others”. Take time out to meditate on how this can help you deal with life situations better and deal with issues that you’ve pushed aside because “you’re a man”, and believe me, you’ll be a better person for it.

 

• Silence is a killer. Do not die on the inside because you are unable to speak up. If you have ever experienced the terror of rape, please do not see yourself as a victim. You are a SURVIVOR. And it’s okay to cry. You have been robbed of innocence, dignity, your right of choice. But you can reclaim those things. Cry, my dear. Do not silence those emotions, feel them. Then take your tears and cry out to someone. A parent, a sibling, a trustworthy friend. Talk to someone you trust. I bet you, that is the first real step you’re going to take towards healing.

 

• If talking to an organization would be your preferable next step, or even your preferable first step, Mirabel Centre is a good organization that you can reach out to. Visit their website at http://mirabelcentre.org/. Their social media handle is @mirabelcentreng on both Twitter and Instagram.

 

• Please do not cry wolf. I cannot stress this enough. Don’t cause others who have gone through true ordeals to be discredited just because you wanted 15 minutes of fame.

 

• Dear parents, I want you to be angry. Your children, your sons, your daughters, are being raped. Please protect your babies, your children. Please do not turn them away when they come to confide in you, don’t tell them they’re lying. Hug them. Hold them. Tell them to tell you everything. Then fight for them. Raise hell until they find justice and struggle with them until they find healing. Do this and let your other kids know that you would do the exact same thing if anyone lays even a finger on them without their consent. Be like my Mom:·        
  
  
  

  This was just because I sent her the story that had just come out about a lecturer in my school that we both knew, who was facing allegations of molestation. Her first question was “Did he try to molest you?” She was already angry. So everyone, when you hear the word “rape”, please get angry.

• The next thing for our parents to do also is to teach our younger generations the right thing. How to speak non-offensively to each other. How to treat each other well. What to DO and what NOT to do. How to VALUE another human being’s life and rights. Protect them but do not hide the truth from them. Most of all, teach “DON’T RAPE”, not “don’t get raped”. Cut off that evil spirit while they are still young, let the future of our nation be bright. 

 

• “Stop raping women” doesn’t IN ANY WAY mean “Continue raping men”. Like I said earlier, women are on fire RIGHT NOW. We are fighting for our own right now because the cases of women getting raped or who have been raped are TOO MANY. We love men, we think men are the coolest (if you know this from Tiktok, ily!), but we need you to fight for us NOW.

 

• If you’ve EVER blamed a survivor for getting raped, get on your knees and plead with God for forgiveness. You’re probably not doing well in life and that’s probably why. And if you’ve EVER felt that a survivor of rape had to go through that ordeal as a result of an action on their part, please never come back to my blog again. You’re not welcome here.

 

 

• “Why didn’t they speak up sooner?”; “That was years ago”; “He’s a good guy. I’ve seen him be really nice”; “Boys will be boys”; “Women send mixed signals a lot”... If the topic is rape and these are your opinions, either rethink them or keep them to yourself please. Don’t say these things. Don’t be a rape apologist. That’s you siding with rapists and that means you’re just as bad as them, possibly even worse because what you have to say discourages survivors from speaking up.

 

• Where does the law in Nigeria stand on the issue of rape? Well encouragingly, the penalty for rape across all the laws in Nigeria is life imprisonment (“all the laws” meaning the different criminal codes that are applicable in each region in Nigeria). That should have been the end of this conversation because rapists are going to get what they deserve, right?·        

  Wrong. And the why of it? This sentence is not mandatory across all laws in Nigeria. On the theory of Deterrence in Penology (the study of the punishment of crime), Wikipedia states that “Criminologists have found that enhancing the certainty of punishment produces a stronger deterrent effect than increasing the severity of the punishment; offenders who perceive that sanctions for particular crimes are almost inevitable are less likely to engage in criminal activity”. 

  This means that for this severe penalty to really have any effect, it has to be made mandatory everywhere in the country. The Nigerian government has to implement these laws so that there isn’t a shadow of doubt in the mind of the citizens- if you rape another human being, you are definitely going to jail for life.

 

• Dear People, hold your government accountable to ensure that these laws that they have put in place to govern and protect us are enforced, and enforced regardless of the status of the perpetrator. Exercise your rights to opinion, expression, and free press; use your social media for good; continue to speak up with one voice against the evil that you see around you.

 

• For any rapists that have thankfully faced the music for their crime(s), punishment aside, these people need rehabilitation. Rape is a crime against another person’s humanity; there has to be something innately wrong with someone who can perpetrate such a crime. And if they’ve done it before, they can do it again. Efforts need to be made to give these people the psychological assistance they need to overcome the problem they have from within.

 

• Is there an NGO or any organization at all that works with female prisoners? These are a group of women that are, unfortunately, an easy target as regards sexual assault. If there is no organization that makes efforts to protect these women, we certainly need one today.

 

• Finally, the Word of God is not silent about rape. In the bible, rape was neither covered up nor ignored. Instead, it was addressed and avenged (see Genesis 34- my favourite, 2 Samuel 13). Rape is a heinous crime against another person, and do not for once think that there isn’t a higher power that will eventually avenge those who have had this crime committed against them. Spread this gospel; everyone needs to hear it.

 

I have listed a lot out and I’m certain there is at least 1 thing on this list that every person reading this can do. Please do not show apathy or indifference towards this. Act NOW.

Don’t wait for it to happen to someone you know, someone you love.